This is my unconventional solution. Let's write up a petition to legally allow human fecal matter to be thrown at Brian Unger. Out of all the shit that exists on the planet to be broadcast, c'mon NPR. We know you can do better. Studies have been done. The Unger Report is the fucking worst.
Then my asshole friend tells me that it's a fake election and that the two candidates are actually actors. So I try to get my check back but no one at NBC will return my calls. And then my check is totally cashed! Jimmy Smits totally conned me out of ten grand. I tried to contact Jimmy Smits but he's not listed in the phone book. So I tried to contact Jimmy Smits agent. But his agent won't return my calls. In fact, after several calls, his agent told me to get a life and that I was crazy.
So this is what I'm going to do. I am boycotting Jimmy Smits. That's right. No more Jimmy Smits entertainment product for me. That includes the West Wing AND all reruns of NYPD Blue and even Star Wars Episodes I and II. (Although not episode III because it's too good and he's like barely in it.)
The gauntlet has been thrown down, Jimmy. Give me the ten grand back that you conned me out of it or you will pay the price.
Once the exclusive Gau of Death Metal and Punk, National Socialism is breaking into the mainstream with the runaway success of teenybopper sensation Prussian Blue. What are some of the biggest Nazi acts in other genres? This week we look at the number one hits . . .
Trapped in the Bunker Part VII
Obergruppenfuhrer Cool Heinrich Skorzeny
Weeks at Number One: 5
The next chapter in Cool’s pioneering “Aryan Opera” continues generating big sales despite the artist’s recent bad publicity. After several slack weeks, expect sales to pick up in anticipation December’s Trapped in the Bunker Part VIII.
Live at the Biltmore Auditorium
Weeks at Number One: 254
Thanks to zealous so-called Phuhrerheads, three-hour medley of guitar riffs, drum solos, and extemporaneous hate speech tops chart for yet another week.
Groovy Groovy Nazi Party
Love Nazi Explosion
Weeks at Number One: 2
Sailor suit? Check. School girl outfit? Check. Unwavering adherence to all-consuming fascist ideology? Check. The femme Osaka duo belts out another frenetic if incomprehensible ode to love, boys, dancing, boys, fun, boys and boys in the Third Reich.
Weeks at Number One: 18
Can a “political” band find traction in the commercially driven world of Nazi reggae? Conventional Wisdom said no before this plucky foursome out of Middlebury made unexpected Nazi Top Forty gold of a peppy, ska-infused demand for legalization of NSDAP and marijuana in the German Republic.
Con Una Corazon (Conta la Contagio Ajeno)
Weeks at Number One: 4
The sexy Argentine crooner sets hearts aflutter.
Der Horst Vesel Lied
Weeks at Number One: 1
Counting on cross-market appeal to younger fans and sentimental die-hards, the beloved songster dusts off a classic paean to youthful idealism. Will it “paean” out? A strong debut in the number one slot says “ja.”
Last night I was watching this awesome debate on NBC and I was like whoever that Matt Santos guy is I am donating to his shit. So I sent a ten thousand dollar check to his campaign which was promptly cashed and then this asshole friend of mine tells me that he's actually Jimmy Smits and that I was watching a television show. And I was all, but that guy Vinnick is a dick. I don't want him to be president. And this asshole friend was all, "yeah, but Vinnick is actually a fake guy played by Alan Alda, that guy that was in MASH and Sweet Liberty."
So, who cashed my check? Did Jimmy Smits cash it? And how do I get it back?
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I AGREE with the McCain bill completely --
I'm against torture, but torture consists in applying electrodes to
people's testicles, not "mocking their religion," wrapping them in Israeli flags, or frightening them with fake menstrual blood,
and the McCain bill may be read as forbidding those non-torture
As the Supreme Court confirmation process of Judge Samuel A. Alito draws near, several ranking Democrats are bravely preparing anal lube. Said Senator Joe Biden, "We're looking at all sorts of options. Perhaps Rocket Fuel or Liquid Silk."
Senator Charles Schumer added, "We have not yet ruled out the filibuster." When asked if that meant the Democrats were probably going to filibuster in order to uphold the pro-choice party mandate, Lieberman replied "Filibuster? I'm sorry. You must have misheard me. I said 'We have not yet ruled out the Anusbuster™. It's this great new product from Astroglide."
When asked if he agreed with the Democratic party's seemingly weak course of action, Senator Russell Feingold said "Americans overwhelmingly want a pro-choice country. President Bush's approval ratings are in the low thirties. We have a chance to finally stand up against his far right agenda. We. Will. Use. Wet Original Lubricant. That is our promise to you, America."
Said Senator Diane Feinstein, a longtime supporter of the pro-choice movement, "We have worked too hard to provide women with equal rights in this country. I am not returning to a time of back alley abortions." When asked what specifically she was threatening, Feinstein replied "We will stand strongly together. We will use Eros Bodyglide Original. Or Sliquid Silver. Or ID Glide Pump. Probably ID Glide Pump because the pump action allows for greater ease of use." Feinstein added, "Alito's cock is huge apparently."
New information is coming to light on Santa Claus. Sources within the CIA refuse to back up Judy Miller on the existence of a band of elves at the North Pole that manufacture toys for all the children of the world who have been nice. Miller responded by sleeping with three powerfully masculine intellectual men who missed out on the 1960s and writing a new book called 'Everything is Going to Kill You RIGHT NOW DON'T LOOK BEHIND YOU!!'
The New York Times refused to comment.